Why is it that life has become to busy to even take time out to think. Why it it my mind longs for extra hours in a day but knowingly if I had extra hours I would still fill them with work or something to busy my mind.
Five years ago one of my close friends died. Life has never felt the same.
Four years ago my girlfriend at the time died. Life has never been the same.
These events solidified the absolute realisation that life can end in an instant. Having things close to your heart ripped away without warning is as much a reason to want to crawl up and die your self as it is a driving force to make the most of life.
For me the last five years have been the latter. I’ve kept myself so busy that I have barely had time to mourn and defiantly haven’t had time to properly chill comfortably, there has always been something hanging over my shoulder. Money, mostly gathering enough to survive was an issue for a few years, in this way being freelance was all consuming. My days were filled with work and earnings were spent on supplies to do more work. I didn’t treat myself to much with fear that I would go under and loose the independence I was fighting for. My only condolence was that every month I would look back at all the things I have done to earn money and cut out the things that I didn’t enjoy, so in that way I made the struggle, no matter how hard, enjoyable and made it feel like it was worth fighting for.
Then came a time when the things I enjoyed started to cost more than my income, I started painting murals on public walls around town and after getting a spray addiction it was a slippery slope, cans cost money and walls are hard to sell. I needed to find a job.
Finding work, starting new jobs, this became my new distraction, that and also trying to juggle the freelance stuff on the side, my aim was to get a stable income with minimal hours so I could afford to do what I enjoyed. No job that was fitting was found.
In the end I got lucky in a way I didn’t plan, I found a forty hour work week job, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. It was a job as Art Director for an animation company.
At first I tried to juggle my freelance stuff on the side, body painting at clubs at night, doing murals and canvas work in the weekends and any spare week nights. It soon burnt me out, I had looked for an income so I could pay for what I loved doing, and when I finally found the job I had no time free time to do any of it.
I’ve been at this job two years now and it’s become very comfortable, I am busying my mind with other things now. I ride BMX nearly every day, am writing my book in lunch times and every other night I’m not on my BMX and keep up an active social life. After all this, I get to bed at around twelve or one AM every day, wake up and start over. My mind is busy. My feelings hidden, my life is a mess but I hide it from even myself.
There was a time in New Zealand when I suffered from a deep depression, there are many reasons that I ended up in such a hole, drugs, alcohol and a steady job with predicable future being the most of it. When I was going through these times (which I wouldn’t wish apon my worst enemies but am also glad I went through them) I talked to a detective who had been through some rough times as well. He was able to help me a bunch, his main piece of advice that really helped me in my dark days was ‘make goals, then reach them’.
I made goals, some long term some short, I worked hard at them.. then completed them all in half the time I though it would. Being focused on something did clear my head by busying it, it did gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, but when I accomplished all my goals had to ask myself, ‘what now?’ .
Do I just make more goals and reach them too? Surely life is more than just chasing something that’s just out of reach? Are we all chasing a carrot?
A few blogs ago I made some more goals, I’ll still work towards a few of them but over the next few weeks I am going to rethink how I perceive myself in this world. Tonight I had time with a close friend and the topic of Talei (my ex) and Jake (my close friend) came up. These are two people I have lost in recent years. While thinking of them I came to the realisation that all the time since their deaths I may have just been running, running from being hurt, distracting myself from the pain. Busying myself to rid depression.
Recently I had a three day weekend, I was going to take my new motorbike and do some travelling around Thailand, ticking a few goal check boxes. The more I thought about it though, the more I seemed to get stressed, I didn’t quite understand it then, but maybe it was because I was afraid of being alone in my head.
I used to meditate a lot, at least an hour a day and once did a 14 day retreat that involved no talking and 11 hours meditation a day. I used to be able to still my mind, these last years my mind has been anything but still.
Even while writing this I’ve been distracted a few times, got up from my computer and done other things.
I decided that I didn’t want to take the motorbike out of town, I wanted to relax for once. I booked a hotel near the local skate park I BMX at (not to far from my house) and packed my laptop preparing myself for a riding an writing weekend.
I ended up nearly breaking my leg and was in hospital at one AM getting fixed up. Because of this it was hardly the relaxing weekend I had planned but having to keep my leg up ment I did get a lot of writing done.
I was alone at the hotel so when I decided that my leg was so bad that I needed to get to the hospital I needed to ride myself there on my scooter. I packed my bags, strapped my BMX to my scooter and started riding.
I was alone when I decided that my leg was to bad to sleep with, I was worried it was broken because my shin was swollen badly and parts of my leg were going black. The swollen shin was pulsing but the pain was constant making walking very laboured. I limped around my room, packed my bag, got down stairs to my motorbike and drove myself to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I was singing and whistling to get my mind away from the pain, again I was distracting my mind from feeling hurt. Much like I have been doing for years.
I set goals and reached them to take my mind off my depression.
I travelled to Mexico when Jake died.
I left Columbia for Indonesia when Talei died.
Lately I set some major travel goals and have been focusing on extreme sport to distract me from life.
I’m not saying goals and passion are a bad thing. Personally I need it all and love to accomplish and put 100% into what I’m focused on. The change in thinking is knowing when your keeping yourself busy to hide your feelings from yourself. I know I need to step back and take note more often, this way I hopefully won’t get caught up in a whirlwind of distraction. I have decided to re-evaluate my goals and add things that will calm my mind. Starting now:
Stop, sit and observe
These tasks seem simple when written down, but these are things that are being missed. I’m sure this will develop further but for now I need to sleep.
Go to sleep earlier
Hope all is well.